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Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

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Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa is a 2013 American hidden camera comedy film directed by Jeff Tremaine and written by Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville, and Spike Jonze. It was produced by MTV Films and Dickhouse Productions and distributed by Paramount Pictures. The film was released on October 25, 2013. Bad Grandpa has a loose plot that connects the stunts and pranks together as opposed to the three original Jackass films which had no plot.

The film's plot evolves around an 86-year-old man named Irving Zisman who takes his grandson Billy on a road trip across the United States, and hidden cameras were rolling as they perform stunts and pranks.

He may be too old to stir the gravy but he's still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! taglines

WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals. So neither you nor your dumb buddies should attempt anything from this movie.

Irving Zisman

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  • My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
  • I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! [Chuckles]
  • [While making a ham sandwich in the store] Now, let's get some damn mustard.
  • [To Billy at the diner] I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa. [Farts]
  • I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.
  • Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
  • [About his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
  • [To a fast-food outlet employee] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [Laughs]
  • [Upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!
  • You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.
  • Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
  • I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!
  • Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.

Billy

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  • [To moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!
  • [After Irving defecates on the restaurant wall] EW, GRANDPA, YOU SHARTED !
  • Grandpa, I'm fuckin' wasted.
  • [To a random man on the street] You're my dad. High five, Dad!

Dialogue

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Billy: What's your stripper's stage name?
Adult bookstore clerk: Do I look like a stripper?
Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.
Bicycle man: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman #1: No.
Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.
Woman #2: What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [Chuckles]
Billy: [To the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.
Irving Zisman: [Turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!
Irving Zisman: [Rubbing up against an African American male stripper] I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Male Stripper: Man, what the fuck?!
Irving Zisman: [To a woman] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went; "ow..." it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went; "ow...", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
Bingo Woman #1: Oh, okay.
Irving Zisman: Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
Bingo Woman #2: Oh my god!
Irving Zisman: Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
Billy: [At the law office] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?
Lady: What?
Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
Lady: I'm sorry to hear that. [Gives Billy an awkward look]
Billy: [While pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.
Irving Zisman: Pipe down! [Moans] Oh, God...
Billy: [Keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
Irving Zisman: [Mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
Irving Zisman: Why are you shaking your head?
Chuck: 'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
Irving Zisman: Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
Chuck: I sell computers!
Irving Zisman: Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
Irving Zisman: ['"About a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?
Billy: Yeah...
Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?
Billy: A day.
Irving Zisman: [Bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
Billy: [About his grandma] She passed away.
Woman: [Gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman: [Gasps] Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Irving Zisman: [After putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
James: [Walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman: [Continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.
Billy: Did you just toot, grandpa?
Irving Zisman: That was a church house creeper.
Billy: Wanna see how red I can get my face?
Irving Zisman: [Laughs] Yeah. Stop stop stop. Oh my god, that was redder than a ape's ass.
Billy: Watch your mouth.
Irving Zisman: Oh sorry. That was redder than a ape's tuchus.
George Prisco: I'm about to whip you, motherfucker. Up your ass, bro.
Irving Zisman: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober! Oh. Oh. I got your doober! I got your doober! [Pretends to eat his nose] I ate your doober.
George Prisco: You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway! You're fucking 85 years old!
Irving Zisman: I got his doober!
George Prisco: Thank god that wasn't a human being.
Irving Zisman: I got his doober and he's mad!
George Prisco: Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro. Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
Irving Zisman: Nope. I mean if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but... I'm not fixing it. [Long pause] Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?
Irving Zisman: Oh, here she is!
Woman: Here I am. You wanna buy some 22s?
Irving Zisman: What are 22s?
Woman: You wish you was 22.
Irving Zisman: They look like 36Ds to me.
Woman: No.
Irving Zisman: No? 36 full Cs.
Woman: 22s, that's what they are!

Cast

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