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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Paperback – September 1, 2003
There is a newer edition of this item:
In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, Nonviolent Communication offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life—one interaction at a time.
- Print length222 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherPuddledancer Press
- Publication dateSeptember 1, 2003
- Dimensions6 x 0.49 x 9 inches
- ISBN-109781892005038
- ISBN-13978-1892005038
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Editorial Reviews
Review
"A powerful tool for peace and partnership...shows us how to listen empathically and...communicate our authentic feelings and needs." Riane Eisler, author, The Chalice and the Blade, Tomorrow's Children, and The Power of Partnership
"A simple yet powerful methodology for communicating...one of the most useful books you will ever read." William Ury, coauthor, Getting to Yes, and author, The Third Side
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Life
By Marshall B. RosenbergPuddleDancer Press
Copyright © 2003 PuddleDancer PressAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-03-8
Contents
Foreword,Acknowledgments,
One: Giving From the Heart,
Two: Communication That Blocks Compassion,
Three: Observing Without Evaluating,
Four: Identifying and Expressing Feelings,
Five: Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings,
Six: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life,
Seven: Receiving Empathically,
Eight: The Power of Empathy,
Nine: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves,
Ten: Expressing Anger Fully,
Eleven: The Protective Use of Force,
Twelve: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others,
Thirteen: Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication,
Epilogue,
Bibliography,
Index,
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About Nonviolent Communication,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication,
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press,
About the Author,
CHAPTER 1
Giving From the Heart
The Heart of Nonviolent Communication
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, "Are you a kike?" I had never heard the word before and didn't know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground and kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, 'Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?' Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start
Product details
- ASIN : 1892005034
- Publisher : Puddledancer Press; 2nd edition (September 1, 2003)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 222 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9781892005038
- ISBN-13 : 978-1892005038
- Item Weight : 13.6 ounces
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.49 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #60,473 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #21 in Communication Reference (Books)
- #425 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #1,871 in Psychology & Counseling
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. has initiated peace programs in war-torn areas throughout the world including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. He is the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international nonprofit organization that offers workshops and training in 30 countries. Dr. Rosenberg is the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd edition, PuddleDancer Press, 2003).
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Customers find the book remarkable and inspiring to read. They say it offers valuable information on empathy and authentic communication. Readers describe the information as helpful, valuable, and important. They mention it's deceptively simple, concise, and clearly written.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book remarkable, excellent, and inspiring. They say it's a great read for anyone and unique in many ways. Readers also mention the book is practical and to the point.
"...alternative methods to interpersonal relations this book is worth checking out." Read more
"...This book is unique in many ways. For one, it doesn't use graphs, statistics, or left-brain logic to convince you of anything...." Read more
"...Rosenberg offers compelling stories and simple steps to communicate to others and yourself in a clearer, empathic, vulnerable and strong way...." Read more
"Great information. Gives many insights in dealing with conflicts, disagreements...." Read more
Customers find the book offers valuable information on empathy. They say it has changed their lives and taught them how to communicate better. Readers also mention it helps develop a mindset that sees the humanity in people. They mention it gives them the tools to express themselves authentically in almost any scenario. In addition, they say it raises their insight into the human element behind our communication.
"...it teaches us to become more aware of how we react, provides us skills in self reflection, as well as providing us with a means of getting in touch..." Read more
"...of specific words to use, but I found this extremely helpful and illustrative as examples discussed in the book, and not an end all be all list of..." Read more
"...and simple steps to communicate to others and yourself in a clearer, empathic, vulnerable and strong way...." Read more
"...Also, it helps give ways to connect more compassionately with ourselves and others...." Read more
Customers find the information in the book incredibly helpful, valuable, and important. They say it offers great strategies and advice to improve communication with loved ones. Readers also mention the book provides powerful methods to make life better for themselves.
"...it provides a list of specific words to use, but I found this extremely helpful and illustrative as examples discussed in the book, and not an end..." Read more
"...I find her tools profoundly practical and useful, and I find it easy to begin applying them; and even though the process of becoming significantly..." Read more
"...It is a wonderful technique, I have found it helpful, however it really does not allow for the full depth of emotion and thoughts that create that..." Read more
"...I have not finished the book. It has a lot of helpful information and has raised my insight into the human element behind our communication styles...." Read more
Customers find the book deceptively simple, concise, and clearly written. They say it reads like a how-to manual for their lives. Readers also mention the technique is excellent and the book is readable.
"...His methods are easy to learn yet hard to master because the difficulty is breaking through the chains that condition us...." Read more
"...you have mentally or personally, NVC is highly accessible and learnable...." Read more
"...personal experiences, Rosenberg presents each step in a thoughtful and straightforward way with exercises at the end of each chapter to test your..." Read more
"...Rosenberg offers compelling stories and simple steps to communicate to others and yourself in a clearer, empathic, vulnerable and strong way...." Read more
Customers find the book worth the price and an excellent investment for any relationship.
"...be more than what you want to spend- I personally found it to be worth every penny and then some." Read more
"...This alone was worth the price of the book!I think the NVC work is deceptively simple, but not at all easy...." Read more
"...I understand NVC more in depth because of the workbook. Worth paying the small price for the book and workbook!" Read more
"...change the way I have related to people, but I believe it is well worth the effort. Learn to listen (and communicate) feelings and needs...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to follow and read. They say it won't take long to get through. Readers also mention it's quick and easy to download.
"...her tools profoundly practical and useful, and I find it easy to begin applying them; and even though the process of becoming significantly less..." Read more
"...because it's so well written, it's a joy to read, no big effort at all...." Read more
"...speaker was thinking, saying, I'd say this is a good read and an easy one at that." Read more
"...Like many frameworks of this nature, it can be learned quickly, but it may take a lifetime to perfect it's application...." Read more
Customers find the pacing of the book slow. They say the actual implementation is tricky. Readers also mention the examples seem cheesy and out of touch with reality.
"...stuff, and is certainly worth reading, but I really wish the examples were more realistic and less contrived...." Read more
"...The given examples are curious and weird, but somehow still convincing. Will take some doing trying to adapt these ideas in practice...." Read more
"...I love the premise but the actual implementation is a little tricky!..." Read more
"Honestly, I found some of his lessons to be dangerously out of touch with reality...." Read more
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Seeking to de-colonize our mental processes of violent attitudes, he illustrates that the language we use has been en-culturated in us, and shows us how we can change our dialogue. By doing so, he demonstrates how we can connect with others and ourselves empathetically. His methods are easy to learn yet hard to master because the difficulty is breaking through the chains that condition us.
Most of us have been taught to place blame and feel shame. These are the feelings that Mr. Rosenberg seeks to bypass to provide us with more constructive ways of dealing with interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict.
Summarizing the communication model he advocates, in dialogue during tense situations first we must state our observations in a non-rebuking manner, with an awareness of the words we use and their potential impact on others. Next we state our feelings, again without placing blame on others. He emphasizes that although others may be a stimulus for how we are feeling only we are in control of our actual feelings. Therefore the words we use cannot assign fault of any kind to others. Then, we state the need that is causing our feeling. Finally, we make a request for action to meet the need we have identified.
Throughout his exposition on method he provides examples and case studies of its use, including times when he had to use the method himself. Then he goes on to illustrate how the method can be used in internal dialogue with ourselves to identify feeling states such as shame. His approach can be be used in both domestic relations and with our professional relationships, promoting better home environments as well as more pleasant work atmospheres.
Obviously, in order to use the method effectively, self reflection is key, and we need to work through our feelings before attempting to initiate dialogue so that we are on guard and are able to choose our words wisely when confronting others. With one minor mis-step we are back in the blame shame game and instead of reaching empathetic connection, interactions will escalate into the angry confrontations that we are used to.
By stepping back, and self reflecting before we confront, we can analyze the particular need that is spurring our anger in a given situation. By stating this need in a non accusatory manner we can relate more empathetically when we do relate to those who are provoking our anger. The same approach works in conflict in which both parties are angry. By recognizing each others needs the parties can begin to work out their conflict more empathetically.
The merit of this model is that it teaches us to become more aware of how we react, provides us skills in self reflection, as well as providing us with a means of getting in touch with our feelings. We react according to how we have been taught. Re-teaching ourselves a new method of interacting and being is the challenge. However, by attempting the model we can begin to understand how much conditioning we have had even if we fail at first.
I like how Mr. Rosenberg puts his main points in bullets making it easy for a reader to take notes. I also like the case studies he included showing the method in action. I doubt the book is as effective as a workshop with Mr. Rosenberg because of all the conditioning we have had that a workshop would increase our awareness of. Still, there is a lot in this book worth reflecting on and this general summary cannot adequately convey how to use this particular approach to dialogue. Readers are encouraged to read what Mr. Rosenberg has to say before attempting the method that he advocates. For anyone seeking alternative methods to interpersonal relations this book is worth checking out.
This book is unique in many ways. For one, it doesn't use graphs, statistics, or left-brain logic to convince you of anything. Because the goal of non-violent communication is not to convince anyone of anything! The goal is to communicate successfully and peacefully; to empathize. So it's not trying to prove or disprove, it is only sharing Rosenberg's experiences in his long-tenured career of hearing and communicating. He has done this all over the world regardless of culture. He has connected with strangers who have wildly different cultures, and heard their needs in only hours or even minutes.
It's the power of the philosophy that shines through. The most fascinating and bewildering part is how he is constantly using non-violent communication to describe non-violent communication in the book. You might wonder why he uses extra words in certain sentences or writes a certain way. Maybe not every word is purposeful, but most of it is powerfully intended to be a certain way: non-violent. Instead of saying "if you think this, that's wrong", he will write "if you think this, we are not in agreement." And then gives a simple explanation for his suggestions to communicate in nvc.
He shows us how using nvc is not a requirement- there are no requirements. In NVC, we never make demands followed by threat or guilt trips. We make requests that show the other person clearly that they will not be forced or manipulated into doing what we want. That if they say "no", it's okay. The book uses this philosophy by forming every sentence as a suggestion. The book's writing is the perfect example of NVC itself.
Instead of saying "When I reacted in anger and blamed the other person for my feelings, I was wrong" about an experience he had, he would say "I looked at what I was feeling, and what needs were not being met."
It's very impacting to see him using the philosophy to explain the philosophy and train people in it. He is giving an example as he trains you- there is no way to learn NVC without it naturally occurring in the environment. This is a sign of a truly powerful communication method.
The most difficult part for me to understand is to use different methods than diagnosing. I tend to diagnose myself and others in an observational sense. I can do this for me without criticizing or becoming ashamed. I thrive on diagnosing, in NVC I would say that I have a need for diagnosing (which is confusing because NVC recommends not doing it, but this is perfectly acceptable because everything is a request or suggestion). I have a need for diagnosing myself because it helps give me a sense of foundation and self-awareness. I have never been anything less than self-aware and on a path to continuing that. But I now empathize that diagnosing doesn't have that positive effect on others that it has on me. I now see that what I used to do to help situations was leaving the other person feeling sad or angry because they had a need for explicit compassion empathy, and were trying to request that I show them how I understand them, and accept them.
It is so simple, it's difficult. But I feel strongly that no matter what problems you have mentally or personally, NVC is highly accessible and learnable. As a companion book to this, I would recommend Brené Brown's Daring Greatly.
Top reviews from other countries
It really puts relationships at the core of life.
I have also applied the active listening with my daugther and I can tell you, she very much appreciate and I also enjoy it.
I have stopped multitasking while people talking to me and give them full attention or visual one.
Please by it we can make a better world for us and our children