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Constellation (2024)
Some good things but way too long.
It moves at a lazy snails pace, there is a daughter of 12 going on 45 and a husband with about as much spark as a soggy leaf who spends most of his time looking embittered, upset and reproachful, furrowing his brow; he does it really well but it's just the same face for every scene. The only character with anything about them is our heroine, she actually behaves like a real human being which kept me going with it. But the plot doesn't go anywhere, it just establishes a premise for an entire seasons worth of viewing time and then ends.
It could have worked as a single movie, but not stretched out into a series.
Fast X (2023)
Fun
The bomb scene when a giant football of an iron clad looking bomb bounces through Rome like a beach ball is stretching it a bit. It's not whether something can or can't happen, it's just that when something does happen it should feel realistic. That's kind of the point of make believe; it has to be believable. Whether it's Martians invading earth or a bank robbery, the events have to feel realistic.
It doesn't matter how much CGI or what budget you pump into something if it's a dumb idea it's a dumb idea. That bouncing bomb began to feel sort of embarrassing after a couple of minutes.
There were many moments that would have had five year olds scratching their chin incredulously.
My favourite thing about the movie was that really it was about a gravity defying flying car that can drop out of aeroplanes and go over precipices without more than a scratch.
The Predator (2018)
Naff
What's less plausible; that the world is going to end very soon because of global warming or that predators exist?
Sure, predators have realised that one too many cars has made life unsustainable on earth. Presumably they all watch bbc news and tune into radio 4 as well for the latest updates.
Somewhere in this mess is a hankering for 80s sci fi, where corporate people in suits get off helicopters and out of cars with tinted windows in pursuit of an extra terrestrial being. A bunch of social outcasts are bonded by a shared sense of obligation. There is even a Halloween scene. (It's E. T which has all of these things.). But it's a mess. And big CGI Predator doesn't have the physical presence of a person in costume.
The dogs that roar directly into the camera show the director isn't too fussed about creating tension or being original. Or they think the audience will be impressed. Nope, here's a fact, it looks crap when CGI animals roar.
Overall; Naff.
Hitman (2007)
NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL
Towards the end of the film Nika tells Hitman, "I don't care about Belikof any more," yeah Nika; your not the only one. A restaurant scene with no atmospheric noise sort of sums up the entire movie. Many of the scenes feel flat and come across so. It has some things that work like agent 47's uniform which looks about right, but overall it's a bit of a non starter. There isn't much humour, none of the characters are particularly likeable and the whole thing seems pretty devoid of any real emotional clout. Plus when a double talks about having facial surgery to be a lookalike and how much it hurts, the old creaking bridge of credulity begins to heave. It's too convoluted and not really believable. The Interpol agents puncture the movie with a paper thin presence that does nothing to endow two men representing such an organisation with any authority or believability. Everyone just says their lines really. The direction feels incompetent. Muted even. Something of a plastic movie with a plastic filling. And that's being generous.
Greenland (2020)
Don't bother
A list of what is awful about this film, roughly in order:
1. Where are the scientists?
2. Who is in charge, does this version of the US have, like, a President?
3, Ridiculous media coverage: eg; Latest weather report, oh look, some meteorites.
4. More rmc: The Government has no speculative intelligence regarding the meteorite (the size of a football stadium) on course for impact but readily broadcasts it's destructive collusion? Eg; Now folks, here's what a meteorite can do.
5. Why is everyone standing around on their lawns in the initial moment of crises.
6. The message on the TV screen.
7. Ridiculous media coverage; Radio broadcast blur blur blur..'Before the inevitable collapse of our nation.'
8. He goes back to the car for insulin without even asking for an army medic first, or even checking any other avenue for a solution; oh, back to the car then, first and only option, makes it seem so realistic. (It has the atmosphere of a music festival; hey don't forget your wristband for re entry.)
9. Why doesn't that kid attempt to undo his seat belt, just attempt, say, out of instinct.
10. Why would the couple need the kid if they could just take the wristband.
11. (More ridiculous media coverage) And in local news; the meteorite due tomorrow looks like a real 'planet killer.'
Cobra Kai (2018)
Cobra Kai. Season one. Really good.
Cobra Kai is the best spin off I have come across, just pipping the more sophisticated Better Call Saul at number one. (It's good for different reasons). It's simple and effective. Like a really good Pizza (yes, really, Pizza analogy) it has simple ingredients that just work. Maybe the extent of ones enjoyment is dependent upon having seen the original film. Having seen it it's impossible to tell. The character's dynamics make a good blend, and it's funny where it needs to be and at times sincere without being saccharine.
This is hardly a demonstration of original groundbreaking drama, rather it is a homage to cliche and nostalgia, but not without some contemporary merit, especially in observing social changes that have taken place with the advent of social media.
This is kind of a fight club meets any teenage college drama series, and if anything, watching the first season made the notion of watching the original a chance to see it from a new, alternative perspective.
Hellboy (2019)
To much CGI
Hell boy.
Does anyone over the age of five really enjoy cgi festooned scenes? This film is rubbish, partly because the plots duff and partly the excessive use of cgi. There is a distinct lack of charm
about the film even though that bloke from Stranger Things makes a pretty good Hell boy.
Note to writers;
On two occasions Hell boy gets his ass kicked; it kind of undermines his credibility as the arch bad guy turned good, especially if the ones doing it are a load of toffs with spears.
The Commuter (2018)
Good action scenes?
The commuter.
So Liam Nesson boards a train and is asked to carry out an elaborate mission by a stranger, because he gets the train everyday, so he's a qualified train passenger expert. The plot
is so naff the film didn't really do it for me, just because the entire premise was completely implausible. I did like the fact that the identity of the person he's been asked to erm, identify, is not easily revealed. That's the only thing.
If the tentacles of the pursuers were so far reaching why did they need Liam Neeson?
Why would they involve Neeson, full stop?
Why didn't the FBI with bag guy just speak to Neeson?
It Comes at Night (2017)
It comes at night: no it doesn't
They come at night; no they don't.
A film about an outbreak of an fatal disease. Joel
Egerton and family are surviving in a house in the woods
when a bloke turns up in their abode claiming his family
are 50 miles away and need food too. Oh, who to believe.
Anyway the family move in and... and that's it. The family
move in and they live together for awhile and in one
scene they have supper and in another they talk for a bit, and
they don't quite play scrabble but for about half an hour my
mate thought they would, then they make an omelette, then
a shelf may need fixing but there might be some screws in
the loft, so anyway, you get the picture.
And some point someone gets infected and everything comes
to head and your sort of wondering what made them want
to make this film in the first place and then it ends. Hope there's
not a sequel, they'll call it 'It comes in the night 2,' I'll go to
see it and half way through the movie I'll say, 'damn it, they've
done it again, nothing comes in the night, and what the heck am
I watching this for?.....'
Hai Phuong (2019)
Just. Watch. It.
Look at the cover of the film first; she does
Karate, that's her kid, she needs to get her kid back, there
will be conflict, if this appeals to you, watch it.
The action scenes are just spot on.
The heroine gives as good as she gets
in pursuit of finding her kidnapped child.
She travels from a rural shanty town to Saigon to do so.
Is this film worth watching? Simple answer is Yes, definitely.
Why? Because it's brilliant, but you need to watch the whole
movie, credits included (not all of them) to really appreciate
it.
Best way to watch it?
Upright, lying down or in a chair.
Have a drink handy and some snacks.
The Eagle (2011)
British/Roman-(U.S) alliance works wonders
10 mins; A strong opening where the spectacle of a Roman fortress
in hostile enemy territory draws a clear parallel with
contemporary America's recent foreign policy in the Middle East.
Having said that the very American dialogue wouldn't
be out of place in Black Hawk Down which isn't a problem
because that's the style, and it works. So far so good.
20 odd mins; Tatum has a turn of conscience at a
gladiator match (if such a things is accurate) and
adopts a British slave.
25 mins; Things get a bit boring after about half an hour. There is an
interesting Roman greeting, a forearm shake.
30 mins; Have you seen Gladiator? Watch that, this just peters out.
1 hour; hang on, role reversal, this is getting interesting.
Pluses; In battles scenes there is no use of the digital
crimson splash of blood (used in Centurion and the 300 Rise..),
far more suited to a computer game. There is a story.
Overall: Highlanders are gross, well gross and deserve
whatever retribution comes their way (kidding, sort of).
The Briton and the Roman do quite well out of it.
Triple Frontier (2019)
Triple frontier
It's almost impossible not to find a kind of dreary charm
in the rainy horizon, half drunk tins of beer and the
colourless sky that hangs over the films early scenes.
It's kind of redolent of the steel producing Pennsylvania town
portrayed in the Deer Hunter.
So Oscar assembles a team to procure a lucrative sum
of money from a drug lord for his gang. It's daylight robbery.
They're going to rob the drug family while they're out at Church.
It's in Mexico.
The greed factor during the robbery gets a bit silly, like a Saturday
Night live sketch. Hardened professional militants
suddenly start petulantly insisting on loading more money
with the clock ticking.
Fortunately for the good guys the Mexican bad guys
are about as stealthy and combat effective as a group of
pissed intergalactic stormtroopers.
It looks expensive but there are moments where it seems the
tension in the scene isn't developed properly. Maybe it's
a lack of close ups but things unfold without any editorial zip.
Leading donkeys saddled with huge amounts of
cash along a fragile mountain ridge is surely a very bad idea
but that doesn't deter this lot. The group's tenuous bonds
begin to fracture as pressure to leave the local area
incognito with the loot mount.
There is a dwarfs-go-looking-for-gold-in-the mountains only
to be thwarted by their own greed vibe going on. Maybe like
a prequel to show how dwarfs descended from men. And It's good to
see the group posses some moral scruples
when one character announces he's not prepared to
"wipe out every teenager in the town just to get
through with that cargo," that would be going a bit far.
The tag line for the movie should maybe read (in that gruff voiceover that is no longer used to advertise new releases); they got the cast,
then agreed upon a topic, they just didn't work out a plot and
ended up making it up as they went along, sort of
going through the (epic movie genre) motions. But then
if they did that no one would watch it.
Escape from L.A. (1996)
Who you gonna call, Jake Plissken
What do you get when you cross Kurt Russell with a pair of boots, skin tight trousers and a sleeveless t-shirt? You get a bad ass muda foker!
The president of a dystopian USA realises this, and like any sane president, instead of firing Jake from a canon into the crime ridden and morally dissolute island to carry out his mission; which is to recover a very important suitcase, (this would be utterly congruent with the film's carnival/circus like atmosphere) he injects him with a lethal poison that will require an anecdote upon the condition of completion of the task. LA is run by what looks like a South American dictator and cut off from the rest of the US due to
flooding (1980s a-environmental flooding/or pre global warming flooding.) Highlight of the movie, duh, Jake surfs a wave in pursuit of a car. That's why the President hired him.
Kingdom (2019)
A very good series
The quality of each episode is a bit reminiscent of the Peaky Blinders (o.k, or any good series) where each 50 odd minute segment has the presence and pace of a feature length film.
The infected are gifted with the stamina and athletic running abilities introduced to this genre by Boyle's 28 days later. Overall it is very good. The narrative is well woven between the Prince and his trustworthy bodyguard, a royal power struggle, a wandering nomad and an altruistic nurse. Well worth a watch.
Bird Box (2018)
The ending, not so good
A mass epidemic of some kind breaks out whereby a nebulous entity is manifest in the air which effects people's behaviour dramatically when they look at it; unless you are inside a house or a building with the blinds down in which case the malevolent entity cannot reach you. Still there? Yeah don't know if the film's producers were when the premise was read out. They were probably as bothered about the plot as John Malkovich appears to be about his wife who gets into a burning car, he has a moan for a few minutes and then moves on. When the children end up in the tumultuous rapids one is safely deposited on the shore the other a rock. As the lawyer in South Park exclaims to a bemused Jury, 'that does not make any sense!' The films ending is what didn't quite stick. It just doesn't really add up. Where do they get their food, what is it supposed to be? A utopia? And what's with the bird in the box? So the birds get flappy when danger approaches, so why go to the school?
Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018)
More of the same please
The great thing about Mission Impossible films is that they are like cinematic Jenga; there is the build up to an action scene where the building blocks are carefully put in place and then down tumbles everything in a frenzied action sequence and so the structure quickly begins again barely giving one time to catch their breath. It was great watching a film that moved at a great pace. Overall it was well done and the comic-esque credits at the beginning and finish captured perfectly the playful aspect of a film that is in no danger of taking itself too seriously.
You Were Never Really Here (2017)
You were never really here. Yeah, that'd would've saved a fiver.
This film may draw some crass and unwarranted comparisons with Taxi Driver, but very much in the spirit of a review of this film in the Time's newspaper which lauded much praise, this isn't that movie. This is a film that intends to be substantial without actually having much substance so in some respect it is quite contemporary. The protagonist walks around with a hammer hurting bad people. Of course theres way more to it than that, but is there really? On a visual level this is a picture that easily holds its own and some, the ponderous direction doesn't quite become pretentious and there is a coherent aesthetic. Yet the film's reception doesn't seem fair considering what is on offer. The telegraph called it a film that will blow you away, yeah, one slow shot at a time.
The Monuments Men (2014)
Should be way better
This film should be far more engaging than it is. It is about six men selected to retrieve art works stolen by the Nazis, and Bill Murray is in it. That should be enough to make it a near classic. However it never really reaches the comedic or dramatic potential promised in the trailer which is in fact a better experience than the film itself. Part of the reason for this is the lack of momentum caused by the story being spread between the different stories of the cast. Things seem to meander along without a great sense of urgency and as a result the audience may be compelled to feel slightly disinterested. If any art is going to be saved can everyone involved hurry up. Considering the cast and the plot this film could have been allot more fun. The editing itself does not grip the attention. Just one good map reading scene and a couple of arguments between the characters about what they were up against would've made some difference. Instead it sort of ambles and bundles its way towards the end with Matt Damon's contribution more like an extended cameo. Ultimately this film could have been allot better.
La La Land (2016)
Lala indeed
The opening scene features a women singing to the camera whilst sitting in a traffic jam, however it really looks as though she is miming which in a way is quite fitting because after all the film is called lala land and in many ways the makers of this one had carte blanche when it came to putting it together. The best thing beside the walking baselines in the soundtrack are probably the references to the 1950s Hollywood cinema as the whole spectacle is very much a self addressed cinematic love letter. The aesthetic is pleasing, but this is all form and no substance, if you want to see something truly unoriginal then you should give this a try. Really this is like watching a computer game trailer for a classic movie.
Godless (2017)
Easily the best looking western style series on TV, though the flashback is b****
Just saying it's well put together and there is a kind of realism that suits the genre as well as a tight script. Just want to know about the flash back thing, with the train that gets derailed, instead of an atmospheric recount of earlier important events there is also a visual depiction. Slow motion never looks good, only in comedies and day time TV movies. So when a recount of events does happen with the visual flashback it's annoying because it looks s***. Just saying. It's annoying because the people that made the episode didn't say, "hey, that look's s***." It looks good overall but the flashback reminds the viewer they are watching a made for TV series and it's annoying because everything else is really good. Anyway, by the fourth episode it's quite clear this is a very well done series.
I.T. (2016)
Netflix original pattern patent
There seems to be a pattern with Netflix original's which can be delineated as follows. 1. A reasonably interesting premise. 2. The opening half an hour where the premise is established. 3 The rest of the film which turns out to be a bit rubbish, causing one to enquire, is this what most film's would be like without the likes of Spielberg, Cameron, or any director for that matter who would take a reasonable idea and makes it interesting, different or subtle. This Netflix original follows such a pattern. Despite some early pertinent implications regarding the use of modern technology it quickly sheds the potential to be fresh or distinctive instead wrapping itself in the generic thriller blanket and becoming a one dimensional pantomime far too easily. Character exploration is flushed in favour of a predictable prosaic snore fest.
What Happened to Monday (2017)
Made for TV drivel
What happened to character development and a good plot are two questions that one might ask after sitting through more than half an hour of this weak made for TV drivel. That is all there is to be said for this though there is a requirement to write more than three lines, so after the first sentence the review has finished yet more words have to be added to reach a minimum word count.
Kill List (2011)
Oh
Somebody watched the wicker man and then took lots of something...or something happened where more than one person thought this would make a good film or something...and then the film got made? Not sure what just happened but a film ended and I was able to record my initial dazed response above. I remember the opening scene I think and then, well, I'm still coming round. Please write it up if you've had a similar experience. It was neither subtle or intriguing. It was clumsy, gory rubbish. And the reason it didn't get away with it was because it has a crap plot. It was a bizarre attempt to make a good film without actually coming up with a decent story.
Oh yeah, I remember reading a review in a national newspaper which alluded to a plot that takes a sudden unexpected turn. It can't be this movie.
Shadow Dancer (2012)
Not a true story, but still quite good
This is the sort of film where "based on a true story" answers the question as to why it is such a morose and un extraordinary affair. This isn't based on a true story but the conception of it was obviously more concerned with a mood of realism than an opportunity to crank up the audiences excitement. On the topic of it being a sobering look at the precarious situation of a Republican female activist turned informer and her surreptitiously fragile relationship with a British Government agent one wonders why amidst growing suspicion no one is given the task of simply following her when she goes out in one of her bright red outfits ostensibly for an afternoon stroll but really to meet her government contact. Overall it is a coherent picture of bleak urban life in Northern Ireland, and the baleful undercurrent stirred by the protagonists exposure to internecine strife incurred by her own actions and the organisations proclivity to use violence are enough to carry the film.
O.J.: Made in America (2016)
Well worth watching
The first part of the three part documentary looks at the rise of a successful black African American in a world of predominately white orientation. It is aptly named "made in America" on account of it being a rags to riches to rags story.
In the second part the public reaction to the high profile trial is documented which according to the narrative shows the justice sought by the black community in Los Angeles at the time had less to do with evidence given in court than it did with a historic sense of grievance. The narrative then presents the trial as an opportunity for the black community to redress this historic issue of racial iniquity by supporting the defendant. The notion that the issue of racism is more significant than justice for the two victims is one supported by the juror's themselves which effectively negates the possibility of a fair trial. Its all about race.
In the third instalment following OJ's acquittal there is a peculiar moment where a female radio host begrudgingly admits OJ's charm and beguiling manner are affable qualities as though it is some kind of guilty pleasure to do so. There seems to be a tangible dualism that is encapsulated, on one hand a fragile sense of fraternity and on the other maintaining reservations about his innocence and past. The uneasy dichotomy between respectability and criminality remains until the trajectory towards further criminal behaviour develops in Nevada. There are parallels with the darkly humorous TV series Eastbound and Down that in this case culminate in an armed robbery that proves to be the final straw in OJ's relationship with the general public.